When I wrote that the idea of foreplay is enough to give me a headache, so I dread to think how tedious it must sound to a man, I was not talking about general kissing, cuddling and caressing enjoyed for its own sake, I was referring to what is often called “foreplay” in at least some literature on sexual dysfunction – that soulless, dreary, mechanical list of things the man is to do to the woman physically in order to “get her in the mood”.
Imagine a man who has a one-size-fits-all formulaic approach that is not affected by details like what the woman he is with might enjoy. He may well be doing his best, and he may well think that the woman would like the routine formula of physical foreplay acts he does, but the routine is just that: a forumlaic routine. Different men have different routines, but they are amazingly predictable, and not all of that is because women all like the same things. Rather than kissing and touching, etc., because they want to and because the woman enjoys it, some men actually mentally switch off while they go through the routine.
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What I am referring to as foreplay is often consciously seen as foreplay by the man who is doing it, as opposed to kissing and touching and so on because that is delightful for both persons. He is doing it because that is what he has to do to get what he wants, rather than experiencing it as being enjoyable in itself. It is half-hearted rather than wholehearted. It is a list of instructions he follows. A forumla. A single recipe he never varies.
There is nothing interesting, exciting or unique to that individual or to their relationship in this list of instructions. It completely ignores the role of the mind in sexual desire and arousal. It is a formulaic and deeply unerotic mechanical instruction-book approach.
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| 3. Impersonal physical routine |
I have nothing against others enjoying what is traditionally referred to as foreplay, but it is unlikely that this approach I have described would be appealing to many women, because it is so very impersonal and so little affected by what the particular woman might enjoy.
There are many women for whom, if they are not in the mood, no amount of this physical activity will get them in the mood. But a look, a word, or a suggestion might well. As might being taken by the man you love. We could call the look, the word, or the suggestion ‘foreplay’ too, but that is not what I meant when I said that the idea of ‘foreplay’ gives me a headache. I was referring to the disconnected, psychologically blind, predictable and impersonal physical routine a man can do while thinking about the latest rugby match or what might be causing the rattling noise in the car.
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It is simply untrue that all women need half an hour of physical foreplay, and for those who dislike psychologically disconnected interactions, that kind of routine is likely to be actively counterproductive. By contrast, connected interactions that arise out of the unique relationship between the two unique individuals, are much more likely to be exciting. And in some cases, a mere word or a look is all it takes. The key is that it is highly personal and connected as opposed to an impersonal, standard, and disconnected routine.
There is an excellent book that goes into the psychology of desire and arousal and peak sexual experiences and fantasies. It is: The Erotic Mind, by Jack Morin.
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Sex without foreplay would simply hurt. Oh, if you are just interested in dominating a woman, then by all means, do not give a damn about pleasuring her.
Some women don't want or need foreplay; goody for them. I suggest you confine your attentions to them since you are so self centered.
Others really do need it in order to get off. And a man with imagination and smarts knows how to make it good for both of them. And he revels in her pleasure...it's not all about him and how fast he can jam it up her, wet or not, hurting or not.
If you really hate foreplay, then your best possible partner is your own right hand.
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I always felt I needed foreplay.
But reading some of these posts, even just a simple line like "open your legs", or "I'm going to take you", or even my husband opening my legs and taking me would work immediately for me.
I love kissing, I love the verbal interaction, but I don't get it as my husband is fairly non-sexual, so I have to rely to manual stimulation (I can't manage without it).
I know that I would get excited just by a phrase or action and the foreplay wouldn't always be needed. I have discussed this with my husband but he tends to "forget".
Having totally incompatible libidos is terrible. I'm passionate, fiery, romantic and I guess a pain in the butt sometimes. My husband is the total opposite and it wouldn't bother him if we were never intimate again, he doesn't even enjoy kissing much, whereas it's one of the first things to turn me on.
I would never have thought that foreplay was considered tedious though!!
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The thread so far has produced some strange remarks.
Quote: Sex without foreplay would simply hurt
Sex (and I presume the writer means penetrative sexual intercourse, or PSI) without the woman being adequately moist would certainly hurt. But as is shown by other posts, a woman can get moist without the necessity of foreplay (and by foreplay I mean kissing, cuddling, caressing, and fondling.
Just look at this remark: I don't need 'foreplay' to get wet.
The writer is not alone. There are many women who can get wet without foreplay. Magazines such as Red Book and Cosmopolitan frequently discuss how to get wet and how to get ready for PSI.
Look at this quote:
Even just a simple line like "open your legs", or "I'm going to take you", or even my husband opening my legs and taking me would work immediately for me.
This contributor is not alone in this either. There are many ways in which a woman can get ready for PSI.
But perhaps the question of time is forgotten by the authors of these posts. When I was first married I became moist (wet if you like) while we were going upstairs to bed. Now after twenty years of marriage I am more aware of the difference between going upstairs to go to sleep and going upstairs to have PSI. When I know we are going upstairs for PSI I get moist before I am undressed.
And I have learned that there are many ways of getting moist (or wet). We can watch porn together before the PSI act. We can have a discussion on sex. We can have a fun spanking (though that does not happen very often). I can give a display of my latest purchase of sexy underwear, or we can shower together, or we can simply wander around in each others company without clothes.
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There are even times when we can get into bed and we can indulge in kissing, cuddling, caressing, and fondling (the dreaded foreplay), and even that conventional start will get me moist (wet) sufficiently for PSI without the likelihood of unpleasant or uncomfortable friction. Our moods vary. There are times when he is in a hurry to get inside me. It may hurt a little when he first gets inside but the very fact that he gets inside arouses me and I become moist. There are many routes to getting ready for PSI without the necessity for foreplay.
Yes, foreplay can be a chore to some men and it can be considered forework by klutzes like this, but when it is it shows that the partners are not sexually on the same wavelength. It takes two to tango, and if one does the foxtrot while the other is doing the rumba then friction occurs, in every sense of that word. I feel so sad when I hear of the man being bored with foreplay and wanting penetration without understanding how necessary it is for the woman to be ready; he does not understand his woman. But I feel equally sad when a woman can find no other way of becoming ready than by the classic method of foreplay; she does not understand her man or herself.
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